And Then She Walked In Like She Owned The Place!
Posted on Dec 30, 2016 @ 9:29am by Lieutenant Eve Dalziel & Captain Kassandra Thytos
Edited on on Dec 30, 2016 @ 9:29am
Mission: Aftermath
“And then she walked in like she OWNED the place!”
(cont. “No Choice Given")
* * *=(/\)=* * *
Location: USS PHOENIX
Stardate: 2.16.1229.2103
Scene: The Vulgar Tribble
The dinner rush had died down and the Vulgar Tribble was basically empty. Iphigenia ‘Iphie’ Bonviva was wiping down the bar, and Calvin and Hobbs were resetting the tables when suddenly the doors opened, and a small red haired woman came barrelling through the door.
“Gangway!” The woman used her run and the first barstool to loft herself onto top of the bar and slide down its length, leaning back as she passed the barware and some of the bottom shelf liquor to nab a bottle and a glass, and nimbly swung herself around to land ass first in the last barstool. Iphie had just enough warning to yank her hand out of the way as the woman came sliding past. “Betchya thought you’d lost your best customer JD, but- Hey, you’re not John Doe.”
“What gave it away?” Iphie was amused but the entrance and the look of consternation on the woman’s face.
“Tits,” the woman gestured irreverantly in direction of the area in question. She cracked open the bottle and poured herself a drink. She paused when Iphie didn’t move. “Can I help you?”
“Can *I* help *you*?” Iphie said, a grin on her lips. “I think that’s my line. I’m the bartender. And I can help you- that’s the wrong glass shape for that drink.”
“Nah.”
“Pretty sure it is. You should be drinking that from a snifter, not a highball. It’ll let the warmth of your hand warm the liquor and release more aromas as you drink it.”
“Would if it were actually Saurian Brandy like it says on the label, but it ain’t. Sneekum- Hey, that weasly rat-face Ferengi ain’t here anymore is he?” Kassandra waited until Iphie nodded. “Well Sneekum was tight with the budget for provisions. Used to water down the booze as it disappeared, or cut it with some rotgut booze, and then add back in molasses an’ some essential oils-”
“What??” Iphie was incensed. She snatched the glass from the redhead’s hand and took a swig, swirling it around her mouth. The woman was right. “How many of my other bottles are filled with this Sneekum’s concoctions?”
“Dunno. Wanna find out?” The woman grinned at Iphie. “I’m Kass, by the way.”
“Iphie.”
An hour later the two women were sitting behind the bar, their backs against the wall.
“Hey, ‘Iffy,’ what happened to John Doe?” The tone of the redhead’s voice wasn’t hostile, exactly, more a mix of curiosity and a sense of probing, as though Iphie was being tested. “Useful that your name makes a perfect nickname, on account of you being iffy, an’ all.”
“Iffy? I’m not iffy, I’m a profeshnal. Thankyouverymuch,” Iphie said indignantly.
“Are you my usual barkeep?”
“No, but-”
“Then you’re iffy ‘til I decide otherwise,” Kassandra said with certitude. “You gonna let me lock up the bar after you’ve gone ta bed? An’ smoke, long as I sit next to the scrubber?”
Their backbar conversation was interrupted by a pleasant, if unfortunately sober, voice. “Kass? What are you doing back there… did you get demoted?”
“Hi Eve. Gotta show noobs here the ropes- whut better’n their best customer?” Kass yelled to the person on the other side. “We’re testin’ the booze, see? Gotta see which ones are genuine and shit.”
There was a long pause, and the aforementioned Eve, a slender, gray-eyed woman stuck her head over the bar, and peered curiously at them.
“Kass, can’t your sensor nets tell which ones are good and bad without you drinking all of them?” She raised an eyebrow at Kassandra, who shrugged.
“Course they can. But how else am I gonna find out if she knows her stuff?” Kass stabbed a thumb in the direction of the blue-skinned woman next to her. “So far she passes. Though her tastin’ skills were a lot better ‘fore she got drunk.”
“I’m not drunk, and there was too coriander in the last bottle!”
“Was not!” Kass argued back. “So Iffy here was just tellin’ me what happened to Doe-”
Eve leaned against the front of the bar. “What *did* happen to John Doe?”
“Well, there was a cooking contest with carrots, and Doe won, so the guy judging nabbed him for his own personal chef,” Iphie lolled her head and looked at Kassandra who had frown on her face. “Hey- I may have come in second, but I’m good, my cooking is pretty awesome. I may not be as good at traditional as John Doe, but dammit, I got inspiration, and you should give me a chance, I promise the food here will be every bit as-”
“Waaaaaaaiiit. Go back a second. They serve *food* here? Like, somethin’ that didn’t come from a replicator?” Iphie nodded, and Kassandra’s eyes widened, as though she’d just had a revelation. Iphie looked back at Eve, who had an amused expression on her face. “I didn’t know that! Eve! Did you know that?”
“I’d almost forgotten from hanging out with you so much, but yes, Kass. I knew. Not everyone distills their grain into a liquid before they consume it. But, speaking of which, do you have anything frozen with an umbrella in it? It’s been one hell of a shore leave.”
“You bet your ass I do!” Iphie looked overjoyed. “And I’m going to cook you something. Show you I’m awesome at cooking. And you can tell Captain Homie that.”
“Captain Homie? As in Kane?” Eve was smiling now. “Does she have nicknames for everyone?” she asked, turning to Kass.
“Dunno. But if she calls me Kassie, we’re gonna have a fight,” Kass turned to eye Iphie.
“I’ll let you know when I have one for you. But for nowwwww, drinks- Eve, I think you’re a Risan Sunrise in Winter, and Kasssssssss. You’re a Redheaded Slut,” Iphie pointed at them both in turn.
“What’d you call me?!” Kass said belligerently, getting to her feet. Eve reached over and grabbed the shorter woman’s shoulder and yanked her back towards to bar before she could swing at the bartender.
“Relax Kass. That’s the name of a drink.” Eve said soothingly, before she steered the woman around the bar and plonked her none too gently into the barstool next to her. “it’s also known as a ginger bitch,” Eve teased, yanking a piece of Kass’ hair gently. “Now what’s it you say? Calm your tits?”
“Yep, it’s a drink,” Iphie said blithely, whirling a cocktail shaker with deadly accuracy, despite her state of inebriation. “And don’t tell me you don’t like ‘em fruity, because that’s a lie. Everyone likes a fruity drink.”
A quick whirl in the blender for Eve’s drink, and the drinks were presented to their respective recipients.
“And now, I’m gonna cook you something. I’m good at cooking. Did I tell you that? What’s actually arrived so far. Where are Calvin and Hobbs? Never mind. Don’t need them. Hmm. Cheese. Everyone likes cheese right? Of course everyone likes cheese… Unless they’re lactose intolerant. But no one’s lactose intolerant anymore. Do you like cheese?”
Eve was still ‘tasting’ her drink, but she raised her hand in the affirmative, coming up to take a breath. “Yeah. Cheese is great. Fondue, sauce, melted…”
“I also like bacon. And booze. I’m just sayin’.” Kass chipped in.
“Cheese, bacon, booze, I can work with that… But you have to have a vegetable. That’s like, healthy and shit. And I’m supposed to keep you healthy. Hmm. We got leeks and tomatoes,” Iphie dove into her cold stasis unit and started pulling stuff from the drawers, and piling it on the counter.
“What’s leakin’? You should call my niece to fix whatever’s leakin’, she’s an engineer, you know.”
“That’s a vegetable, Kass.”
“I know what a leak is, an it ain’t a vegetable, Eve! Stop pullin’ my leg!”
Eve gestured, in looser body language than normal. She hadn’t realized how many types of alcohol could go into a Risian Sunrise in Winter. “No, no,,, leek, l-e-e-k. They’re from same family as onions and garlic. Right, Iphie? you have to back me up here.”
“Yep. It’s not as, you know, oniony as an onion. And it gets all buttery, and shit, when you cook it up. Oooohkaaay. Now to chop this stuff up. Chopping chopping chopping, gonna chop the veggies, gonna make this tasty,” Iphie wiggled and did a pop and lock as she whipped out her very best knife. Kass whistled appreciatively as she took a look at the smooth sharp lines of the knife. “That, my friend who apparently appreciates a fine piece of steel, is an Misono UX10 Santoku, seven inches of double edged swedish stainless steel, antique, 21st century, and still the best you can get.”
“Now *that’s* a knife. I bet you could totally get that through someone’s ribcage without even trying,” Kass said admiringly.
“Are you sure that you should be uh, cooking when you’re intoxicated?” Eve said cautiously, eying the knives, and their close proximity to Iphie’s fingers.
“I could do this with my eyes closed,” Iphie whipped the knife up and down rapidly. Eve glanced over at Kassandra, who seemed entranced, and had both her hands up to give her a better ‘view’ of the action with her sensor nets.
“You gotta teach me that. That looks like fun. Why didn’t anyone tell me cooking involved awesome knives? And like, hacking things? I might have actually tried it if someone told me that!” Kassandra leaned in intently.
“You know you also get to light stuff on fire, right? Flambeing. Like, watch this!” Iphie grabbed a bottle of vodka and poured it over the tomatoes she was roasting in a cast iron pan, and poured the alcohol over it. She grabbed a lighter from the counter next to her, and then lit the bubbling alcohol on fire. It burst into flames with a satisfying whoosh, and Iphie expertly tossed the tomatoes in the air as the burned. Kass cooed appreciatively. “And now some vodka for me! That’s the really important bit of this.”
“Let’s see. Cooking with sharp instruments. Cooking with alcohol. Setting things on fire. Be careful, Iphie. If you can make food explode too, Kass is going to fight you for your job.”
“Yeah, but all I can cook is quintotriticale. Quintotriticale porridge, quintotriticale bread, quintotriticale ‘meat’ loaf,” Kass counted the items on her fingers.
“That’s a lot of quintotriticale,” Iphie commented as the flames died down. She blended the tomatoes with hand blender, then added cream, butter, and cheese. Lots of cheese. As the sauce bubbled away, she put pasta into the boiling water, and put another pan on the stove, and tossed in bacon and sliced leeks, stirring them expertly, until they began to soften.
“I’m from Sherman’s planet. That’s our callin’ card.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. Those cupcakes you made for Jim Kirk day weren’t bad.”
“Looked like turds though.” Kassandra said realistically.
“So are we trying to be healthy, or are we trying to be tasty?” Iphie asked as she poised the pan of bacon over the al dente pasta.
“I drink and I smoke. Do I sound like I spend all day workin’ out so I can eat like a Vulcan for dinner?” Kass said, and broke out one of aforementioned smokes.
Eve looked up from an empty glass and didn’t bat an eye. “Fuck healthy. Go for it, Iphie. That’s an order.”
Iphie nodded, and flipped the pan, bacon grease and all, into the pasta. She mixed in extra cheese, before pouring the cheese laden vodka sauce onto the pasta. She miscalculated the velocity of the sauce, and it splashed everywhere.
“Whoooooah. I’ve never heard Eve curse. Go you!” Kass turned to Iphie and said in a not so sotto voce “She’s reeeaaallly drunk.”
“Hey! I’m offended by that remark,” Dalziel sniffed, grabbing one of the random bottles on the bar top, having pretty much forgotten the whole reason she’d been looking for Kass in the first place.
The Marine ‘looked’ in the Counsellor’s direction. “Hun, you’re not offended, you’re blitzed... I like it.”
“Hey- do I got cheese sauce on me?” Iphie asked suddenly, as she mixed the pasta into the sauce and poured it (mostly) into a casserole dish, and sprinkled breadcrumbs and a whole quart bag of cheese over it. “I think I got cheese sauce on me. Eve? Do I got cheese sauce on me?”
Eve examined Iphie’s chef’s jacket. “A little. But you didn’t cut or burn yourself… which I think is way more important than a cheese stain. Way.”
Kassandra leaned forward and licked Iphie’s face. Eve gave her a look. “She had cheese sauce on her face. And she wasn’t offering me a spoon to lick. And it smelled delicious. It was delicious. Iphie, you’re delicious. I’m hungry.”
“Shhhhh. It’s gotta like, get all bubbly and stuff. While we’re waiting, I think it’s time to introduce you to a flaming lamborghini. Ever drank something while it was on fire?”
“You know Kass, I c-can’t take you anywhere. She’s trying to do her work, and you’re… *licking* her.” Eve wagged a finger as if to accuse her. But they’d all been there. No need for a dispute.
“You didn’t take me anywhere. I was already here when you showed up lookin’ for somethin’ frozen. And she was tasty.” Kass paused. “I regret nothing.”
An inkling of her new ‘sister’ appeared in the back of Eve’s hazy mind. “Must be nice.”
“Did I hear the words ‘regret’? You won’t regret this,” Iphie poured some more alcohol into some glasses and proceeded to stack some glassware up precariously onto the top. She poured a little bit of alcohol atop the stack and lit them on fire. “Okay, put your straws and stuff into the bottom. I’m gonna just pour this other stuff on top and it’s all gonna light on fire and you’re- wait, Kass, you gotta wait to drink it until I say so-”
“I think I burnt my eyebrows off.” Kass muttered as she slurped down the drink. “I regret nothing.”
A rapid beeping filled the room.
“Well, that’s either the fire alarm or the food’s ready,” Iphie said dryly as Eve sipped her flaming drink.
It was the food, and it was delicious.
* * *=(/\)=* * *
Recipe for a red-headed slut:
1 oz. Peach schnapps
1 oz. Jagermaester
Cranberry juice to taste.
Shake with ice in a cocktail shaker, strain and drink.
Vodka mac and cheese recipe here: http://www.playfulcooking.com/pasta/vodka-mac-and-cheese/ add your own bacon and leeks ;)
* * *=(/\)=* * *
NRPG: Okay, so I was GOING to write a post with Kass meeting Sofia and Cantor Von, but then this one morphed into something incredibly silly and long, and I thought it deserved its own post. So, this weekend, there will be a part 2 where similar things happen, maybe marginally less silly. ;)
Alix Fowler writing for
Kassandra Thytos
Not as thunk as you drink she is
USS Phoenix
and input from:
Susan Ledbetter as
Eve Dalziel
Exactly as drunk as you think she is
USS Phoenix
