Russ BaShen's Personal Log, 2.140510.1245

Posted on May 10, 2014 @ 12:46am by Lieutenant Russ BaShen

[Several seconds of silence open the recording.]

Uh… Personal log, I… yeah. Personal log. Stardate 2.140510.1245

[Silence]

Fuck… I suck at these. I always hated the official logs; I never saw the point. But… yeah. This is just… this was ch’Faila’s suggestion. He said it would help.

[Pause]

So… yeah. Personal log.

[Intakes of breath are heard, followed by hesitations and sighs. Almost 28 seconds later, dialogue resumes]

It has been almost a year since… well, since I started on this road to recovery. Even now, though the demons of self-doubt, self-pity, and loneliness still haunt me. ch’Faila warned me – the journey is difficult, and many miles still lay ahead of me.

And here I am, still travelling down the path.

I don’t know that I ever believed in a god, but I have to believe that somehow, I was meant to be here. Sitting at the helm again feels… right. It feels like it’s all brand new again. It feels like another shot. It feels… like redemption.

It’s as if she was always waiting for me to come back to her, and she has not aged a day.

I can start again.

[A pause follows]

The DISCOVERY hasn’t changed, but her occupants have. Baaz, Elan, and the rest have been replaced by strangers. It’s a bitter sweet feeling, to come home, but to see everyone you know gone. And Captain Kane… I don’t know what to make of him. He’s kept me at arm’s length since we departed. I don’t know that it’s me… I haven’t really seen him smile since I got on board, after all. But I can’t shake the feeling that he would rather eat Gagh with a side of Racht than converse with me. It’s one thing for someone to offer you redemption – it’s another for people to accept a sorted past. God knows what’s still on my file, and I sure as shit am probably not his first choice.

Bloody hell, I… Damn it.

[Another pause]

I guess I’m still lonely. I worked almost two straight shifts today before the XO finally told me to bugger off. He said it in his polite, logical, Vulcan way, but I know what he meant. Working long hours the first day can be expected, considering the excitement of the moments. The second time around, its forgivable. The third time… I am not sure if I can raise Stonn’s eyebrows any further, but I got the message… I need a life.

… And I suppose I haven’t been helping myself, working, then going straight to sleep, only to work again.

[Pause]

Maybe I just need to hang out and take it easy. I just need to get out, and socialize.

Fuck.

[Pause]

Dammit, ch’Faila. You’re good.