Dear fuckin' diary

Posted on Jul 11, 2014 @ 9:32pm by Captain Kassandra Thytos
Edited on Jul 11, 2014 @ 10:01pm

Alright. Thought I'd give this thing a try, not that I'm doing some fuckin' dear diary shit or anything. I'm not 14 or somethin'. But it seems like some days the only decent conversation I get is with myself...

Or maybe it's that I'm the only one willing to listen to me other than the ship's shrink, and you know, they only listen cos they gotta.

Plus, you go to them and suddenly you're crazy, or unstable. Anti-social. Whatever.

Man, I miss McInnis.

He was a good listener. Never called me nuts. Shame that whole war thing happened. Actually, shame I didn't go to fight in that war. Coulda gone out in a blaze of glory, saved myself the fuckin' waste of time and air that's been the last eight years of my life. Bet I coulda taken outta whole ton of those bastards on my way out like Gene.

Cos, you know, if there's one thing I'm good at in life, it's killing. Some people make beautiful music, or art, or maybe really good booze. Me, I make things dead.

Fuck. Look at me. Who's the team killing fucktard today, and what does that make me?

A big damn hero. [[Bitter laugh, sound of something being drunk from a bottle.]]

Big damn hero. [[Another drink, sound of a lighter]] Hah. That's a joke. Not a butcher, which is probably more accurate, not a murdered, not a fuckin' backstabbin' sociopath, no. Big damn hero, as though that erases the fact that today I looked 12 people in the face, saw the spark a' life in their eyes, 'n made the decision to extinguish it.

'Snot like destroyin' a ship, or like Kane says he did, blowin' up a reactor. Yeah, I know that he just killed a hella lot more people today than I did, but killin' like that is easy, bloodless, you never gotta see your handiwork. It's jus' like all those people I decided not to try savin' today. I killed 'em, but it wasn't like twas me doin' it.

Now killin' like I do, lookin' em in the face? Well... I think you lose a little a' your humanity, your soul. An' I dunno exactly how much I have left. Can't be much though. I enjoy killin'. I know it's wrong, I know I didn't used to, and the fact that I love the rush I get bestin' an enemy in the most final of ways... Well, there's a reason other than Asta and Lysander that I swore I wasn't gonna kill anymore. There's a reason I sat out the Second Dominion War.

But now I'm right back where I started, killin' others and little bits a' my soul one at a time. Wonder what'll happen when the last piece goes; what I'll become once I don't feel remorse for killin' someone, and don't care that the absence of feelin' something about it makes me a monster.

Will I even notice when that happens? Will other people notice?

If they do, are they gonna try to pull me back from the edge, or will they just stand by and watch as I tip over the point a' no return? Or worse, encourage it, 'cos it makes me a better tool for them to use?

Who are you kiddin' Kass? They think you're there at the edge already. Just 'cos you're rough around the edges an' don't let 'em see you bleed, they think you don't care. That's why they pat y' on the back n' tell you how many people you saved. But the problem is, the people you saved sure as hell aren't the people you see when you close your eyes at night.

And just once, I wish....

[[Long silence that stretches on... and on...]]

I wish someone would ask if I'm okay, and really mean it. I wish someone would ask and be able to see through all my... All my fucking BULLSHIT bravado, and realize I'm not... I'm not okay... [[Very softly]] and I haven't been okay for a long time.

[[Sniffles, silence, sound of a bottle breaking against a bulkhead]]

Musta gotten a bad batch of booze. It's makin' me all weepy. Gotta be that, because I don't cry. Ever.

Gotta remember to erase this when I'm sober.

Dear fuckin' diary.